Romance 101: For The Clueless

Google “romantic gestures” and you find a whole lot of ideas that would impress the heck out of 13 year old girls, Victorian ladies, and starry-eyed, attention-starved older women addicted to sappy romance novels. The real women I know need a more updated approach. Furthermore, is any real guy going to indulge his lady in a “week of poetry”? No takers? How about calling her several times a day? That would drive me completely insane. So how about we scrap the muttonchop approach, shelve Lord Byron, and get down to the brass tacks of some modern romance?

• Ask her out. Are you saying “Well, DUH”? Really? If you’re involved in a relationship, when was the last time you actually planned an evening out? Make reservations. Show some effort. For the bonus points, make it a restaurant with a fantastic view and make sure you get a window table.
• Massage her. Even just a few minutes of casual massage, her feet when you’re lounging on the couch or her shoulders while preparing dinner will pay off, and she is likely to reciprocate. If you want to go for the bonus points, take a class in massage and stock up on some fragrant oils. Play your cards right and everybody’s naked, oiled up, and feeling happy.
• Surprise her with a picnic under a meteor shower. Pick an amazing spot away from city lights, preferably next to water (just for the ambiance). State parks are good choices. Pack lawn chairs, blankets, food and drinks. If it’s a long drive, book a hotel nearby. Every year, three meteor showers take place during spring and summer, Lyrids in April, Eta Aquarids in May, and Perseids in August. Of the three, Perseids is generally the most spectacular. Stardate.org has a schedule and lots of information.
• Put on some soulful music and pull her into a slow dance. Yes, right there in the living room. For the bonus round, sign up for a dance class together, and then enjoy it. Learning a sexy salsa or a peppy swing style is not only fun, but sharing an interest builds the relationship.
• Compliment her, and be specific. Saying “You look great” is ok, but it doesn’t really let her know you’re paying attention. Instead, mention why she looks great. Does the color of her dress make her eyes look bluer? Is her hair done differently? Is she wearing new shoes? Notice stuff.
• Be chivalrous. Offended militant feminism is dead. Most women will appreciate it if you hold doors, offer to carry packages, and use appropriate language at dinner.
• Scent is sensual. Settle on a signature scent and wear it often. Whenever she smells it, on your pillow, on your jacket, or even on the street, she gets a sweet reminder of intimacy.
• Learn to cook a couple of dinners and a great breakfast. It doesn’t have to be fancy or difficult, just tasty and attractive on a plate. You know how to grill, it’s a genetic trait carried on the Y chromosome. Just throw something on the barbie, bake some potatoes and toss a salad. If you want to get creative, search the web. Anything that could possibly be done to food is online somewhere. For the bonus points, learn to cook her favorite dish.
• Fire is primal. Light scented candles if you don’t have a fireplace. Get a soft blanket, a good movie, and some hot drinks (tea, Irish coffee, hot chocolate…whatever you prefer) and settle in for a really good snuggle. I said snuggle. Keep your poky parts in check unless she starts something.
• Listen to her. Really listen. Give her your complete attention, respond accordingly and remember what she said so you can follow up later.
• Give her small, thoughtful gifts at unexpected moments. You do not have to spend a fortune to thrill her. Women drop clues constantly about likes and dislikes, all you have to do is listen and remember. If hearing an old tune on the radio brings back happy memories, buy her the album. If she’s fond of a current author, find a book signing and get a signed copy of his or her latest book. Put together a video presentation with photos and your favorite song. Make her an origami swan. Mail a “Thinking of You” card to her office, or have a teacup bouquet delivered.
• Hug her. No matter how late for work you are, put your briefcase down, take her in your arms, and make her feel special. In ten seconds, you can relieve stress, reassure each other of your special bond, and brighten the day for both of you. Hug her when you arrive and when you leave, every time.

You don’t have to shower us with gifts, but a thoughtful gift once in a while is appreciated beyond measure. The most romantic thing I can remember my significant other doing was bringing me a single orchid in a Perrier bottle. Sure, he probably picked somebody’s prize flower out of their yard, but it was really sweet, ok? He said when he saw it, it reminded him of me, beautiful and exotic. Yeah, I admit it, I practically swooned.

What we want most is your attention, your time, and your respect. We want to know that you value our opinions, and that you listen to us. And if you think you can pull it off without sounding gay, here’s the most famous romantic poem in history:

She Walks in Beauty
Written by Lord Byron in 1814

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that ’s best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow’d to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair’d the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o’er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!