Most of us don’t have time to read the Kama Sutra and make any damn sense of it. It is old, the pictures are all weird, and it takes more than five minutes to finish. If you want to be the one guy every girl remembers, however, you need to know a few of the more important of the positions. Isn’t it a good thing you have Zero here to condense the whole deal into an easy to read top 9 list?1.“Position of the Wife of Indra”
“Achievable only by the loosest of limb, this position is recommended as suitable for the “highest congress” – love-making in which the vagina is fully open, ensuring maximum penetration. Most couples who try it, however, will probably only use it as a brief interlude between less demanding postures. The position is named after the beautiful and seductive wife of the Hindu deity Indra. He was the king of the gods in the early Vedic writings, and also the god of rain and thunder.”
This is a good opening move, but a better closer. You’re going to have to pull a second wind out of your ass to use this as an end-game, so make sure you have some Gatorade within reach. Play through the pain. Get it right and she will tell her grandkids how you rocked that pussy. Get it wrong and you might just need a chiropractor. Don’t embarrass yourself. Please remember to stretch properly before attempting this big finish. I will not be responsible for any injuries.
2.“Kama’s Wheel”
“The man sits with his legs outstretched and parted, and his lover lowers herself onto his penis, extending her legs over his. He then passes his arms on either side of her body, keeping them straight. In this way, he completes the spoke-like pattern of his limbs that gives this position its name”
This is cool because you get to see the bouncing boobies. Everyone loves the bouncing boobies. However, be warned: your legs will fall asleep and it will hurt when you try to change positions, causing an awkward fall… and an even more awkward silence as you writhe around with the pain of a thousand pins.
3.“The Lotus-like Position”
“Imitating the lotus yoga position, the woman draws in her legs, folding one over the other as neatly as possible so that the vagina
Is pulled up to the mans penis”
I have officially set a record for saying the word “penis” more times than I ever have or will again in my writing career. Pull this one off after you fail at one of the other positions, so the chick knows how hard some of this @!$%# really is. However, if you ever score with a gymnast, this is the position for you.
4.“The Snake Trap”
“In this position, the woman sits astride the man, facing him, and each partner holds the others feet. This arrangement allows the couple to rock back and forth in a stimulating seesaw-like movement but, since it restricts thrusting, it is best adopted when the man is tired, or is satisfied and is making love again for his partner’s pleasure.”
Screw that last part. This is your back-up when you’re just too tired to go on. This is a man’s way of taking a time-out without actually having to call one. Do this until you can feel your legs again then get back to work, you lazy, out-of-shape @!$%#.
5.“The Seventh Posture”
“In this position, the woman should be lying on her side while the man kneels and lifts one of her legs onto his shoulder, but it is marginally less difficult if she lies on her back.”
Trust me, have her lie on her back. That is unless you are some kind of crazy, acrobatic, yoga dude. This one is hard to pull off and you will most likely fail miserably. Even so, it is most probably something your girl has never tried before and that scores points that can never, ever be forgotten.
6.“The Splitting Position”
“Here, the woman lies on her back and her partner enters her from the kneeling position. He then lifts her legs straight up, resting them on his shoulder.”
This is how I like to get down. I know, I know, you didn’t need to know that. This is the position you use when you need to bust and bust quick. It gives the pussy the extra grip on your wang chung needed to bring you over the edge. The only quicker way to reaching paradise is vigorous masturbation.
7.“The Pair of Tongs”
“With her legs bent at the knee, the woman sits astride, facing the man, who lies flat on his back. She draws his penis inside her and squeezes it repeatedly with her vagina, holding it for a long time. Penetration is deep”
You hear that; deep penetration fella’s. That is key. You need to hit bottom on that pussy, damn it. Bonus: you are lying on your back and the woman is doing all the work, while at the same time she’s taking it hard.
8.“The Suspended Congress”
“As the man leans against the wall, the woman puts her arms around his neck while he lifts her by holding her thighs or by locking his hands beneath her bottom. She grips his waist with her thighs and pushes her feet against the wall.”
I’m warning you now; if your girl is too god damn fat, don’t try this @!$%#. It can only end badly. You will drop her and she will be mad. While it isn’t your fault she is “big boned”, she will still blame you when she is picking herself up off the floor with a broken tailbone. If you do decide to try this with a fat @!$%#, take a video so the entire internet can laugh either at you or with you.
9.“The Splitting of a Bamboo”
“This aptly named position calls for a simple evolution from the basic man-on-top posture, which requires considerable suppleness in the woman. She raises one leg and puts it on her partners shoulder for a while, then brings that leg down and raises the other. This sequence can be repeated over and over again.”
I don’t know what the hell they mean by “suppleness”, but if you’re sexing down some chick who doesn’t match that description, you should have tried harder at the bar. The name of this position alone is reason enough to give it a shot. It allows the opportunity to use the phrase “Yeah, I split that bamboo.”
